


Flower Power

by lrritable_vowel_types



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-26
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-05-28 18:13:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15054920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lrritable_vowel_types/pseuds/lrritable_vowel_types
Summary: Sick of Tuxedo Kamen's lame roses, Sailor Mars challenges him to branch out.





	1. U-Zing

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE: All of Mimete's daimon's names begin with U, which should be pronounced like the oo in moon, not like the u in unit.

"U-Zing!" Mimette yelled. "Serve the senshi your killer sauce!"

"U-Zing! U-Zing! Uuuuuuu-Ziiiiing!" the daimon cried, pointing a canon-like hand at the senshi gathered below her. They screamed and scattered, attempting to dodge yet another gush of the gooey, sticky sauce she had been blasting at them for the past several minutes.

Sailor Mars recovered from the attack first, retaliating with a well-aimed blast of her Fire Soul, but the daimon merely pulled out a slab of marinated pork loin, using Mars's fire to cook them to perfection.

"Mmm, that smells yummy!" Sailor Moon said as she tried to push sauce-coated bangs out of her eyes. "Can I have some?"

"No!" U-Zing yelled, then swallowed the entire pork loin in one bite. She laughed when she caught sight of Sailor Moon's devastated face.

"Meanie! I'll punish you for that!"

Suddenly, a blood-red rose flew through the air, piercing the sticky ground near U-Zing's feet. The action ground to a halt as the newcomer took center stage, perched high on a streetlamp.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon cried, clasping her hands together.

"A worthy sauce enhances but never overpowers. To abuse the unifying powers of a cookout is unforgivable! Now, Sailor Moon! Shred this meat-head!"

"Right!"

Sailor Moon raised her Spiral Heart Moon Rod high in the air.

"Rainbow Moon," she began, spinning the rod like a baton as she twirled, "Heart Ache!"

Silence reigned as U-Zing was framed by unnatural darkness. A rainbow flashed briefly, then an enormous pink heart blasted the daimon.

"Love-lovely!" U-Zing cried as she was thrown backward. As she landed on the ground, she vanished, replaced by a harmless bottle of BBQ sauce with a Pure Heart Crystal shining brightly beside it. A daimon pod squeezed from its side and shattered, releasing a bird-shaped blast of black smoke.

"Looks like _U-Zing_ will be _oozing_ no more," Tuxedo Kamen said with a smirk.

"I'll get you next time, stupid sailor senshi!" Mimete cried, then was gone.

Sailor Jupiter rushed to the celebrity chef lying unconscious nearby that Mimete had been targeting.

"Quick Sailor Moon, restore his Pure Heart Crystal!" she said as she cradled his head.

Sailor Moon nodded, gently picking up the crystal and bringing it to him, allowing it to be reabsorbed by his body.

The man blearily opened his eyes, then ran a hand through his spiked, bleach-blond hair.

"Dude Fiero?" Sailor Jupiter asked. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Is . . . is this Flavorville?"

She laughed. "It is until Sailor Mercury gets all the sauce cleaned up."

Behind them, Mercury was busy blasting the BBQ-sauce covered trees with water, attempting to return them their normal, un-sauced state.

"Well," Tuxedo Kamen said, turning to leave, "I guess my work here is done."

"Argh!" Sailor Mars screamed, stopping him in his tracks. "This is so _stupid!_ "

"Don't worry Sailor Mars," Sailor Moon said. "I'm sure Sailor Mercury will be able to get the sauce off of your shoes—"

"That's _not_ what I'm talking about!"

"Wha—"

"It's _him_!" she said, pointing a sticky finger at Tuxedo Kamen, who merely raised a curious eyebrow at her. " _He's_ stupid."

"He is not, Mars!" Sailor Moon said, hands on her hips. "He's in college and—"

"No, no. I mean, his whole act is stupid!" she said, waving her hands in the air. "Swooping in to save the day when he doesn't do _anything._ A _rose?_ How useless can you be?!"

"I see nothing wrong with my roses," Tuxedo Kamen answered. "They're elegant, sophisticated, and have really pointy thorns. Those hurt, you know."

"But you don't even _try_ to hit the bad guy most of the time!" she said, stomping her foot and spraying droplets of BBQ sauce over Tuxedo Kamen's shoes. "The only thing you really do is buy time, which you use up to give some stupid speech, then tell Sailor Moon to use her powers which, by the way, she is perfectly capable of doing on her own!"

By now the rest of the senshi had gathered around Mars and Tuxedo Kamen, while Dude Fiero sat dazed in a puddle of BBQ sauce.

"Your roses are stupid, your speeches are stupid, your costume is stupid, this fic is stupid, [AN: no comment] stupid, stupid, stupid!"

"What are you suggesting he do, Sailor Mars?" Mercury asked.

"Can't you make some other type of flower or something?" Mars said. "Something not so lame? Something that's actually _useful_?"

Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Venus looked at each other with raised eyebrows while Mercury looked thoughtful. Moon, on the other hand, looked close to tears again.

"Why are you being so mean, Sailor Mars?"

"No, Sailor Moon, she has a point," Tuxedo Kamen said, tapping his chin. "I suppose I could stand to mix it up a bit. After all, you have all unlocked new attacks in the last three seasons while I've been relying on the same attack I used in the first episode!"

"That's not true," Sailor Moon said. "What about your cane? What about your hang glider?!"

"True," Tuxedo Kamen said, "but it would be nice to see what else I can do with my . . . flower power."

"Great," Mars said. "Just make it something _useful_ , OK?"

"I'm nothing if not useful," Tuxedo Kamen said with a smile. "And now, I bid you all adieu. Farewell!"

"He's so dreamy . . ." Sailor Moon sighed as he bounded into the night.

Sailor Mars scowled. "More like a nightmare."


	2. U-Eedy

Sailor Moon screamed as the daimon trapped her in a corner of the skyscraper's rooftop deck—the glass balustrades to her back the only things preventing her from toppling 70 stories to the bustling city street below. Her fellow soldiers—Mercury, Mars, Jupiter, and Venus—had already been overpowered by the daimon and couldn't come to her rescue; Sailor Moon was the last woman standing.

"U-Eeeeeeeeeedyyyyyy . . ." the daimon said, then took a deep breath, causing the small amount of water trapped in her round glass midsection to bubble ominously as the rest of the glass globe filled with white smoke. She exhaled slowly, blowing the smoke straight into Sailor Moon's face.

Sailor Moon held her breath as long as she could, knowing that Sailor Venus and Jupiter had been incapacitated the same way, but soon had no choice but to breathe in the thick smoke that had filled the air around her. It stung her throat, sending her into a coughing fit.

"That's it," U-Eedy said, nodding approvingly. "If you don't cough, you don't get off."

"U-Eedy!" Mimete called from her perch on the infinity pool's diving board. "Let's get back to the Professor's! He's got pizza bagels!"

"U-Eeeedyyyy . . ." the daimon replied, smacking her lips.

"Hold it!"

Mimete and U-Eedy turned to find Tuxedo Kamen standing atop a sun umbrella.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon managed to get out between coughs.

"Living the high life is something that many people enjoy, but only a dope would force it upon the unwilling. Abusing Earth's flora is something I will not forgive!"

U-Eedy blinked her bloodshot eyes at him. "Aww man, don't harsh my mellow . . ."

"U-Eedy, get him!" Mimete ordered, pointing her golden staff at Tuxedo Kamen.

"Take this!" Tuxedo Kamen yelled, then lobbed an enormous sunflower at the ground in front of the daimon, causing its seeds to explode across the rooftop.

"Woah . . . sweet . . ." U-Eedy said, bending down to snack on the sunflower seeds.

"Now, Sailor Moon! Fumigate this butt-head with your justice!"

But when he received no response, he looked over to find her on her hands and knees, totally focused on the bountiful food that had appeared at her feet.

"Sailor Moon!"

"Huh?" she said, looking up from her snack.

"I said, fumigate this butt-head with your justice!"

She swallowed thickly. "What?"

He sighed. "Just kill it and I'll buy you as many sundaes as you want."

"Yessssssss!" she said, standing unsteadily, giggling with every stumble. Pulling out her Spiral Heart Moon Rod, she held it above her head with a wobbly hand. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!" she yelled.

The daimon, preoccupied with the food, didn't notice the darkness that suddenly surrounded her, nor the rainbow that followed. But the gigantic pink heart that engulfed her soon after certainly got her attention.

"Love . . . lovelyyyyyy . . ." she said, then fell to the ground where she was replaced by a harmless glass bong. A Pure Heart Crystal shined lazily beside it, and a daimon pod slowly emerged from the bong and shattered.

"Argh!" Mimete yelled, then leapt into an open doorway and made her escape.

"Sailor Moon, get the Pure Heart . . . oh never mind," Tuxedo Kamen said, as Sailor Moon had resumed her snacking. He fetched the Pure Heart Crystal, gently carrying it to the side of the victim, who was lying unconscious on a lounge chair and covered in sunflower seeds. The crystal soon disappeared, reabsorbed by the victim's body.

"Scoop Kitty Katt?" Tuxedo Kamen asked as the man blinked his bleary eyes.

"Woah . . . man . . . I think I smoked some bad weed . . ." Scoop Katt said, slowly sitting up.

Tuxedo Kamen smiled, handing him a nearby glass of water. "I'd say it was Sailor Moon who _smoked_ the bad weed tonight, Scoop Katt."

"Oh sweet, munchies . . ." Scoop Katt said as he noticed the sunflower seeds on his shirt.

"Could we get a little help over here?!" Sailor Mars called from across the rooftop, where she and the rest of the senshi were trapped, swaddled tightly in oversized rolling papers.

Tuxedo Kamen swiftly came to their rescue, releasing them from their papery cocoons.

"Really?" Sailor Mars said as she pulled sunflower seeds from her hair. "Fighting with _sunflower seeds_? Somehow you managed to get even more lame."

"You can't deny they were effective, though," Sailor Mercury said as she attempted to rub feeling back into her arms and legs.

Venus and Jupiter, who had both been victims of U-Eedy's smoke attack, were still lying on the ground, though Jupiter was laughing feebly.

"Ugh, whatever," Mars said, pulling a red-eyed Sailor Venus up from the ground. "Don't eat those!" she said, smacking the sunflower seeds from her hands. "They've been on the ground! And who knows where they came from!"

"Well, I would stay and help clean up, but I promised Sailor Moon a sundae dinner," Tuxedo Kamen said with a flourish of his cape, "so I must bid you ladies adieu."

Mars scowled as she watched Tuxedo Kamen jump across the rooftop and scoop Sailor Moon into his arms.

"Farewell!" he called, then deftly leapt from the rooftop.

Mars shook her head. "Typical."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> s/o to my bae-ta <3


	3. U-Eared

"Ugh, what's up with this daimon?" Sailor Venus asked as she arrived on the scene. "I swear they get weirder and weirder."

The daimon was chasing Sailor Moon around a pedestrian plaza, blasting her with volleys of pointed cotton swabs. Her face was bizarrely crowded, as she had an extra set of eyes in its forehead, two noses set above two mouths, and four ears on the sides of her head.

"I know," Sailor Mars said as Sailor Moon tried to pull a swab out of her nostril. "She looks like a Picasso or something."

"She's U-Eared," Sailor Mercury said, joining Venus and Mars. Sailor Jupiter was lobbing a ball of lightning at the daimon, giving Sailor Moon a brief respite.

"I know it's weird, I already said that!"

"No, no," Mercury clarified. "That's her name: U-Eared."

Venus scrunched her face. "Whoever is coming up with these daimons should really think hard about her life choices." [AN: no comment]

"U-Eared!" Mimete called. "Give these annoying senshi an earful!"

"U-Eared! U-Eared! U-Eaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrd!" the daimon cried, spinning like a top, causing earwax to spray in a wide radius around her.

Sailor Moon screeched as she attempted to dodge some of the larger wax globules, many of which had sharp, spiky hairs protruding from them.

Mercury and Jupiter both took a number of direct hits and were quickly pinned to the ground beneath enormous chunks of orangey wax. Mars and Venus were slightly luckier, though both had considerable amounts of wax stuck to their bodies and in their long hair.

"This is going to take forever to get out!" Sailor Mars yelled, looking at her gummed-up hair.

"Ewww! This smells rancid!" Sailor Moon said as she wiped a chunk of wax from her face.

"Are you talking to me?" U-Eared said, rounding on Sailor Moon. "I'm all ears!"

"Not so fast!" a voice cried, causing U-Eared to halt in her tracks.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon said, her hands on her cheeks as her savior deftly leapt between her and the daimon.

"A woman needs to be seen and heard to feel appreciated and loved. You may have four eyes but you fail to see the truth: to abuse the senses is senseless."

Tuxedo Kamen whirled back with a flourish of his cape, revealing a spindly, leafy green plant nearly as tall as himself with several branched stalks, each topped with several inches of tiny bell-like protrusions filled with yellowish-green lobes.

"How's _that_ supposed to help us?!" Sailor Mars yelled. "You useless fop!"

Tuxedo Kamen merely grinned, then picked up his cane and spun it faster and faster until it was just a blur, creating a steady blast of wind directed at the plant. The plant swayed, its lobes shaking, releasing thousands of tiny yellow particulates into the air and straight at U-Eared.

U-Eared shook her head as her eyes and noses quickly grew red and inflamed.

"What . . . ACHOO! What is this?!" she yelled before being overcome by a sneezing fit.

"Ragweed," Tuxedo Kamen said with a smile as U-Eared fell to the ground, coughing and sneezing and rubbing her inflamed eyes. "Now, Sailor Moon!"

"Right!" she said, wielding the Spiral Heart Moon Rod. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!" she cried out.

"Lobe . . . ACHOO! Lobelyyyyy!" the daimon wailed as she was blasted through Sailor Moon's oversized pink heart and was put out of her misery, leaving behind a pack of cotton swabs, a shattered daimon pod, and a Pure Heart Crystal.

"ACHOO! You stubid duxedo man!" Mimete, who had been watching the action behind U-Eared had evidently also gotten a face full of pollen. "I'll ged you—ACHOO!—for dis—ACHOO! As soon as I ged some andihisdemine!"

"Great job, Tuxedo Kamen!" Sailor Moon said, jumping up and down.

"Yeah," Sailor Mars said, approaching them as Sailor Venus fetched the Pure Heart Crystal and returned it to the body of the millionaire Janssen & Janssen Company heir that U-Eared had attacked. "Great job, _IDIOT_!"

Sailor Moon put her hands on her hips. "But he only did what you told—"

"ACHOO!"

"Aaaack!" Sailor Moon put her hands up in an attempt to shield herself from Mars's sneeze.

"I hab—ACHOO!—seasonal allergies you _jagass_! ACHOO!"

"My apologies," he said, offering her a surgical mask which she smacked out of his hand, since it had been stored in the same bottomless pocket as the ragweed.

"No more—ACHOO!—ragweed! Jusd be useful!"

"Noted," he said, tipping his top hat.

Mars stomped off and blasted the ragweed with fire until nothing more than a tiny scorch mark was left behind, then went to help Jupiter and Mercury unstick themselves from the ground between sneezes.

"Farewell!" Tuxedo Kamen said, making his exit as Sailor Moon waved.

By the time she started sneezing a few moments later, he was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you might be wondering where Chibi-Usa, Hotaru, and the rest of the senshi are. Well, if you've seen Mimete's arc, you know that Sailor Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto were just being a bunch of unhelpful creepers the whole time, so you can just imagine them hiding behind a plant in each of these fics. And uh... Hotaru and Chibi-Usa are at Crown. Yep. 
> 
> Thanks to Antigone2 as always.


	4. U-Edgy

"Incoming!" Sailor Jupiter yelled to Sailor Mars, who was doing her best to burn the swaths of fabric and threads that the daimon had been shooting at them from the fashion show's runway. They both managed to dodge her latest attack, leaping away just before the muted plaid fabric could encase them.

Jupiter ran to help Luna untangle Sailor Moon from several yards of embroidered charmeuse while Venus was trying to cut Sailor Mercury free from her cocoon of boldly printed brocade, leaving Mars to deal with the daimon on her own.

"U-Edgy, U-Edgy, U-Edgyyyy!" the daimon yelled, the sewing machine that made up her torso working furiously to eject more fabric. The daimon herself was wearing surprisingly little, sporting a studded black leather crop top and ill-fitting black leather micro shorts that she was continually adjusting between attacks, as they kept riding up uncomfortably in the back.

"Burning Mandala!" Sailor Mars yelled at the next volley of fabric, but U-Edgy had learned from previous attacks.

"Try this on for size!" U-Edgy yelled, snaring Mars with a bolt of fire-retardant canvas.

Mimete cheered her daimon's success, clapping her hands together. "Good job, U-Edgy!"

"Stop right there!" a voice boomed over the sound system.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon said as Jupiter finished de-mummifying her.

"Not you again!" Mimete yelled, turning to find Tuxedo Kamen illuminated in the auditorium's sound booth.

"It is every young woman's wish to be lovingly dressed in beautiful fabric, but your creations would disgust even a mannequin. For turning them into fashion victims, I'll leave you hanging by a thread!"

"U-Edgy, get him!" Mimete yelled as the daimon adjusted her shorts.

"Gladly!" U-Edgy said. "Don't you know capes are out? Time for a makeover!"

But U-Edgy was too slow—by the time the fabric had started flowing, Tuxedo Kamen had already leapt to the stage and hurled a volley of hundreds of cockleburs at her.

"My beautiful fabric!" U-Edgy fumed as the burs embedded in the toile she was preparing to throw, jamming up her sewing machine. "How dare you?!"

He jumped as she sent a series of threaded needles at him, but his retaliatory round of burs tangled their threads together and sent them harmlessly falling to the floor.

Again and again they attacked each other, but the sheer amount of burs Tuxedo Kamen was throwing was keeping U-Edgy from gaining an upper hand.

"Now, Sailor Moon!" Tuxedo Kamen called as U-Edgy fixed her shorts between one of the volleys.

"Right!" she said, holding up her Spiral Heart Moon Rod. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!" she yelled, calling out her attack.

U-Edgy was briefly illuminated by a rainbow before being blasted by the enormous pink heart Sailor Moon had sent her way.

"Love-lovely!" she said, still adjusting her shorts as she fell to the ground. Soon all that was left of her was a jammed sewing machine, a Pure Heart Crystal, and a shattered daimon pod.

"Quick, Sailor Moon, the Pure Heart Crystal!" Sailor Venus said as she went to tend to the unconscious fashion designer Mimete had attacked.

Soon her heart crystal was restored, absorbed into her body as the senshi watched.

"Vivienne Eastwood? Are you feeling alright?" Venus asked, helping the older woman to sit up.

"I believe so," she said. "But that's a sight that will haunt me . . ."

"The daimon?" Sailor Jupiter asked.

"No," Vivienne Eastwood replied, "her shorts."

Venus laughed. "I think it's fair to say that a U-Edgy is a major fashion _don't_."

"Hey tux boy!" Sailor Mars yelled, getting his attention. "You really thought it was a good idea to just throw bajillions of burs around everywhere? Don't you know how to _aim?_ "

"Well, I suppose I could have—"

"Look at Luna!" she yelled, pulling the black cat out from behind her back. Luna yowled pitifully—nearly every inch of her was covered in tiny spiked burs. "She's going to have to be shaved!"

Sailor Moon walked over to Luna, then burst into laughter. "Bahahaha! Luna you're gonna be bald! Hahaha—ow!" She stepped back, grabbing the spot on her face that Luna had just scratched. "That hurt!"

"I think that was the point," Mars said as Luna ran off. She grimaced as she saw the amount of burs that had been transferred onto her gloves from Luna's fur. "Thank _god_ all of this will disappear from our costumes once we detransform or I'd _roast_ you for ruining my gloves. For the love— _learn! how! to! aim!"_ she said, punctuating each word with a hard poke to his chest.

"Understood," Tuxedo Kamen said with a bow. "And now, since this fashion show is over, I will take my leave. Farewell!" With a mighty swish of his cape he was gone, sending cockleburs flying behind him.

"Next season," Vivienne Eastwood said, noticing the burs that speckled her wool ensemble, "I'm thinking . . . all vinyl."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, it's been a WEEK here in the US. (It's taking all of my willpower to not go have a margarita in the middle of my workday.) I don't know about all of you, but I need a laugh. I hope this helped make your day a little better.
> 
> xoxo to Antigone2


	5. U-Mlaut

"DIE SAILOR SENSHI!" the daimon they had been battling in the luxurious hotel lobby shouted in a thick German accent after discovering their hiding spot behind one of the few sofas that she hadn't yet destroyed. Her powerful body—robust enough to put any bodybuilder to shame—was squeezed into an uber-short dirndl dress that was barely able to contain her impressive physique. Gigantic leg muscles bulged as she stomped her high-heeled cleats on the marble floor, shattering tiles with every menacing step she took.

Sailor Moon screamed, but stopped when Sailor Mercury placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't worry, Sailor Moon. In German, _die_ means 'the'," she explained patiently. "So U-Mlaut really only said, 'The sailor senshi!'"

"Ooooh," Sailor Moon said, nodding her head in understanding.

"NEIN, YOU ARE WRONG!" U-Mlaut said, pointing her finger at Mercury. "I MEANT THAT YOU SHOULD DIE!"

"That joke doesn't even make sense!" Mars protested. "The words don't sound alike! It only works written down!"

Mercury shrugged. "Good thing it is written down, then."

"U-Mlaut!" Mimete called from behind the relative safety of the receptionist's desk. "Get them!"

"JAWOHL, FRAU MIMETE!"

"Let's see how you do with some hand-to-hand combat!" Jupiter said, cracking her knuckles and rushing toward U-Mlaut fist first. But the daimon immediately blew on the giant whistle hanging around her neck, freezing Jupiter in place.

"OFFSIDE!" U-Mlaut shouted, pulling out a soccer ball as Jupiter desperately tried to free herself. "EINE FREE KICK TO ME!"

"Halt!" a voice called. Everyone turned to find Tuxedo Kamen leaning against the banister at the top of the grand staircase.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon said, clapping her hands excitedly.

"Germans are a disciplined and orderly people who are a shining beacon of hope to rule-abiding citizens around the world," he said, walking down the staircase toward the daimon. "To mock them mocks the dreams of harmonious peoples. Like Martin Luther at Wittenberg, I, too have Ninety-five Theses on your depraved indulgences!"

"WHAT IS HE SAYING?" U-Mlaut asked. "I DON'T UNDERSTAND."

"Neither do we," Mars muttered.

Tuxedo Kamen continued, undeterred. "Daimon, my justice will nail you to the church door! You will not be forgiven!"

He reached into his cape and then quickly thrust his hand forward, causing U-Mlaut's powerful legs to be wrapped in a thick, woody vine with sets of three green leaves running along its length.

U-Mlaut merely laughed. She flexed her enormous thighs, straining against the vine until it gave way and exploded off of her.

"Oh, great work, Tuxie!" Sailor Mars said as she kicked a segment of vine that landed near her. "Really bang-up job on these stupid, useless vines!"

"Useless? Hardly," he said. "That's poison ivy! This time tomorrow, her legs will be covered in terrible rashes!"

"Tomorrow?!" Mars said. "What good will that do?! We're going to kill her before then!"

A loud sniffling stopped their bickering.

"THAT'S NOT NICE!" U-Mlaut said as tears welled in her eyes. "I LOOK TOUGH BUT I HAVE FEELINGS TOO!"

"You poor thing," Sailor Moon said, going over to pat U-Mlaut on the back as she dissolved into tears.

"Stop comforting her!" Mars screamed. "She's been trying to kill us for the last 20 minutes!"

"Oh yeah . . ."

"Now, Sailor Moon!" Tuxedo Kamen called. "Relegate this hooligan!"

"Right!" she said, nodding at him. Pulling out her Spiral Heart Moon Rod, she thrust it high into the air. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!"

Soon, U-Mlaut was silhouetted in black. A rainbow briefly flashed, then an enormous heart sent her hurtling backward.

"VERLOREN!" she cried out as she fell. On the ground where she would have landed lay a Pure Heart Crystal and German newspaper, its front page dedicated to the latest World Cup results. A daimon pod squeezed out of the newspaper, then shattered.

"Nice job, Sailor Moon!" Tuxedo Kamen said as Sailor Jupiter gently picked up the Pure Heart Crystal and carried it over to the German politician who was Mimete's latest target.

"Frangela Merkel?" Jupiter asked her after her crystal was reabsorbed. "Are you feeling alright?"

"Ach, yes, thank you," she said, standing up and smoothing out the wrinkles in her pantsuit. She frowned when she caught sight of the time on her watch. "But you could stand to work on your efficiency. Now if you will excuse me, I'm 12 minutes late for a conference."

"Oh . . . OK . . ."

"And," she said, looking around the half-destroyed lobby, "don't forget to separate the recyclable debris. No need to be sloppy with clean-up efforts."

Mercury nodded. "Of course! We are Japanese, after all."

"Seriously," Venus added. "It's not like we're _Americans_."

Frangela Merkel gave a curt nod, then picked her way through the rubble and climbed through one of the blasted-out windows.

"Uh, shouldn't she have a security detail or something?" Venus asked. The other senshi just shrugged.

"Hey Boy Blunder!" Mars shouted, getting Tuxedo Kamen's attention. "I thought it would be obvious, but we need immediate results in battle, not some next-day rash!"

He cleared his throat. "That reminds me . . . you kicked some of the poison ivy, didn't you?"

Mars narrowed her eyes as she heard Mercury whisper a soft "Oh no" beside her. "Yes . . . why?"

"You should probably wash your foot. Like, as soon as possible. And maybe, uh, burn the rest of the poison ivy."

"Ex _cuse_ me?!" she shrilly yelled.

"I guess that's my cue!" he said, holding his cape out. "Farewell, sailor senshi!"

"Bye, Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon yelled over Mars's scream as he swept out of the lobby and into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to FloraOne, for obvious reasons. ;)
> 
> Two chapters left! Unfortunately, I might not be posting them on time. I thought I had a free and open weekend to sit and knock the last 2 chapters out but I was wRoNg. Nevertheless, they will get written sooner rather than later, I promise.
> 
> Thanks to Antigone2 and to FloraOne for helping me out with this chapter. And thanks also to my husband, a huge soccer fan, who grew increasingly frustrated with every single question I asked him about soccer as it became clear just how little I know about the game. ^^;


	6. U-Long

"She's refilling!" Sailor Venus yelled unnecessarily as the daimon, who resembled a demented drink vending machine, guzzled several liters worth of freezing cold iced tea.

The senshi, already drenched and shivering from U-Long's previous attacks, prepared themselves for another round with the daimon.

Mars attempted to attack but, impotent in her waterlogged fury, could only stomp her heels in frustration as fire refused to ignite between her soggy fingers.

"Ahhh, refreshing!" U-Long said, tossing the empty containers into the rectangular slot in her abdomen.

"Sparkling Wide—ahhhh!"

Jupiter, having accidentally electrocuted a tea-drenched Sailor Mercury earlier in the battle and fried her Mercury computer, abandoned her lightning attack as the daimon once again sprayed the shrieking senshi with ice-cold tea from her mouth.

Wiping the beverage from her face, Venus went on the offensive. "Venus Love-Me Chain!" she said, calling forth her attack, but U-Long was ready for her.

The daimon had already pulled one of the empty bottles from her abdomen, yanking off the plastic bottle cap ring and pressing it between her hands.

"Uuuuuuuuuuu-Long!" she said, as, like a magician, she pulled her hands apart to reveal a rapidly multiplying chain of linked plastic rings, which she sent flying to meet Venus's chain. The two chains met midair, wrapping together and forming an impossibly tangled knot. U-Long gave a mighty yank on her end of the connected chains, sending Venus flying across the mall they had been battling in and through the window display of a lingerie store.

"Nice work, U-Long!" Mimete called from the food court, where she had been snacking on French fries abandoned by one of the terrified mall patrons. "Now let's get out of here!"

"Freeze!" a voice echoed throughout the mall.

Mimete screamed in frustration when she spotted Tuxedo Kamen perched on the banister at the top of the escalator.

"T-Tuxedo K-Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon said with chattering teeth as she attempted to rub some warmth into her goose bump–covered arms.

"Daimon, you truly tee me off!" he said, riding the banister as it inched its way downward. "To tease with treasured teas is truly terrible. This tempest in a teacup transcends taste and tests my temperance."

"I'm outta here," Mimete said, grabbing her briefcase. "U-Long, you're on your own!"

Tuxedo Kamen continued his advance, undeterred by Mimete's departure. "Time to terminate this tea for two and two for teatime trash-talking tête-à-tête. Tune in as I spill the tea—this tuxedoed teen will take you to task for your transgression!"

"Huh?" U-Long gaped as Tuxedo Kamen leapt to a nearby table.

"Take this!" he said, pulling a beautifully potted plant from his jacket and throwing it at the daimon, who deftly caught it.

"Woah, a bonsai!" Sailor Jupiter said, sidling up next to U-Long to get a closer look. "Is it a Japanese maple?"

"That's right," he said with a smile. "Or, as we say here in Japan: a maple."

"Wow, and it's really beautiful, too!" Jupiter said as she inspected the tree. "I bet you could get tens of thousands of yen for it, easy!"

"Tens of thousands of yen?" U-Long asked nervously.

"Maybe even hundreds of thousands!" Jupiter said with a nod.

U-Long's eyes widened as she gripped the pot more securely.

"You Titanic tool, Tux!" Sailor Mars said as she stomped to the other side of the daimon. "So, what brilliant idea do you have tonight? Is the bonsai infested with aphids, hmm? Have some mysterious fungus? Is there a bomb hidden in the pot?"

"A bomb?!" U-Long shrieked, shoving the miniature tree into Sailor Jupiter's arms.

Tuxedo Kamen smiled. "I just thought it was pretty," he said. "Now, Sailor Moon! Toast this toxic tea-ser!"

"Right!" She pulled out her Spiral Heart Moon Rod and held it high, then twirled it deftly in her fingers as she prepared her attack. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!" she cried, plunging the mall into darkness.

A rainbow appeared momentarily, but was soon replaced by a huge pink heart, which crashed into U-Long.

"Love-lovely!" U-Long cried as she toppled backward, then fell to the floor, replaced by a bottle of oolong tea. Beside it shined a Pure Heart Crystal. A daimon pod fell from the plastic bottle, breaking with a poof of cormorant-shaped smoke.

"Well done, Sailor Moon," Tuxedo Kamen said as she beamed at him. "Another daimon down the drain."

Sailor Mercury gathered the Pure Heart Crystal, gently carrying it to the unconscious celebrity who had been hosting a meet and greet at the mall.

His eyes fluttered open as he regained consciousness.

"Mr. Tea?" Sailor Mercury said. "How are you feeling?"

"Huh?" he said as Mercury helped him to sit up. "What happened?"

"You were attacked by a daimon," Sailor Mercury explained as he looked around the trashed mall, "but we were able to retrieve your Pure Heart Crystal and defeat the enemy."

Mr. Tea shook his head, causing the heavy chains around his neck to rattle. "I pity the baka who messes with the sailor senshi!"

"Did anyone see where Sailor Venus went?" Sailor Jupiter asked, peering around the rubble.

"I'm here!" Sailor Venus called, climbing through the destroyed lingerie storefront with an armload of merchandise. "And look at all these cute bras and panties I found!"

"You have to pay for those!" Sailor Mars yelled.

"Jeez I know that . . ." she said, rolling her eyes. "I already gave Artemis my ATM card to get cash."

"And _you_ ," Sailor Mars said, stalking toward Tuxedo Kamen. He took a step back as she reached him and poked him hard in the chest. For a few moments, she stood in silent fury, shaking her head at him. "Just . . . _no_."

He raised his eyebrows as she turned and stomped off to corral Sailor Venus, who had returned to rummaging the mall wreckage for treasures.

"Well, I guess everything is under control here," Tuxedo Kamen said, swishing his cape as he leapt onto the banister of the escalator leading to the 2nd floor. "I shall bid you all adieu!"

"Hey wait, Tuxedo Kamen!" Jupiter called after him.

"Yes?" he asked he slowly crept upward with the banister.

"Can I keep the bonsai?"

"With my compliments." He tipped his top hat, his teeth gleaming as he smiled. "Farewell!"

"You know," Jupiter said as Sailor Moon waved goodbye to the slowly inclining Tuxedo Kamen, "if that whole doctor thing falls through, he would make a killer florist."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thought running through my head as I write each chapter is, "This has to be the dumbest thing I've ever written." (But it's supposed to be that way, I guess, lol!)
> 
> Sorry that the break between chapters was MUCH longer than I was expecting. But! Here you are, the penultimate chapter of Flower Power. Hopefully I will get the last chapter up this weekend, and then I can move on to the other fics that need my attention (including a Secret Project which I think you will really enjoy)! Thank you to Antigone2 for beta-ing, FloraOne for being the fandom cheerleader (she's just so dang enthusiastic all the time it's like impossible to say no to her), and to all of the people who left comments while I was being a bad fic writer and not posting. xoxo


	7. U-Zone

"I don't know how much more of this I can take . . ." Sailor Jupiter groaned to Sailor Mercury from their hiding spot behind a smoldering piece of scenery at the television studio that was currently under attack. Jupiter winced as she shifted slightly, hitting one of the burns she had sustained from the daimon's surprisingly effective flaming-cheese attack.

Even Sailor Moon's initial enthusiasm for the food-based projectiles had been dampened after a well-aimed shot caught the end of one of her pigtails on fire, leaving it several inches shorter than the other.

Admittedly, the senshi had underestimated U-Zone, who, aside from her pointed ears and all-red eyes, looked pretty much like a normal college student—and one who had clearly pre-gamed, to boot. With her perfectly straightened blonde hair, on-point make-up, cute white shorts, and cleavage-baring tank top, Sailor Venus had even declared U-Zone a kindred spirit.

That is, until U-Zone's hot pink backpack turned out to be a bottomless pit of flaming cheese, which she threw with middling accuracy as she stumbled around the studio and drunkenly giggled at the chaos she was causing.

"I meant to ask you," Jupiter said to Mercury as U-Zone chased Sailor Moon around the set, "what's up with the stupid rhinestone face on U-Zone's shirt anyway?"

"You mean this?" she asked, pulling out her Mercury computer and typing ΘΔΘ on the screen.

"Yeah!"

"They are actually the Greek letters theta, delta, and theta," Mercury said. "You see, in the United States, many college students belong to Greek organizations called fraternities and sororities. These organizations are known by Greek symbols—and I deduce that, in U-Zone's case, she is a member of the Theta Delta Theta Sorority."

"Are you serious?" Jupiter asked, scratching her head. "But . . . how is that relevant here in Japan?"

"It really isn't," Mercury said with a frown.

Jupiter shook her head disdainfully. "I think the writer is seriously running out of ideas . . ." [AN: no comment]

Suddenly, the scenery they were crouching behind was thrown aside as the Theta Delta Threat herself discovered their hiding spot.

"Oh my god you guys," U-Zone said, her words slightly slurred as she staggered a bit on her wedge heels, "we should _totally_ do shots right now!"

Opening her backpack, she pulled out a shot glass filled with a clear liquid, downed it, then hurled the empty glass at Sailor Mercury, who barely dodged it. The glass shattered loudly near Mercury's feet, sending glass shards flying.

"Opa!" U-Zone yelled with glee. "Let's do another round!"

She laughed, pulling out more full shot glasses, lobbing them at Jupiter and Mercury and sending them running back to join the rest of the senshi as pieces of glass and liquid sprayed around them.

"Well that's lucky," Sailor Moon pointed out. "That water will help put out the fires!"

"That's not water, Sailor Moon." Venus bent down, wetting a fingertip and quickly smelling it. "Just as I thought—it's ouzo."

"Ouzo?" Sailor Moon asked.

"Liquor," Mars said, crossing her arms. "Highly _flammable_ liquor."

"Oh . . ." Sailor Moon said, her face falling as U-Zone's next shot—landing just to left of Sailor Venus's heel—hit a little too close to a still-smoldering blob of cheese on the floor, sending flames streaking wildly around them.

"Woooooo!" U-Zone yelled, raising her fists and dancing wildly as the senshi shrieked. "This party is _sooooo_ lit!"

"Shine Aqua Illusion!" Mercury cried out, spraying water throughout the studio and dousing the flames . . . as well as frying all of the electronic equipment. She cringed as waves of steam and a few sparks rose from the enormous television cameras stationed near the set.

"They have insurance, right?" she asked nervously as Mars shrugged.

U-Zone, however, seemed utterly unfazed by the pandemonium she had created.

"Oh em gee, you know what would be soooo killer right now?" she asked, once again opening her pink backpack and, like an unhinged Mary Poppins, pulled out a 6-foot-long spit bearing a whole roasted lamb. " _Bar_ food! Get it?! Bar, cuz, like, it's food and it's on a bar and stuff!"

"Watch out!" Sailor Venus yelled as U-Zone sent the roasted lamb hurtling toward them like a javelin. Jupiter grabbed a salivating Sailor Moon and leapt out of the way just in time as the spit struck and blasted a hole through the floor where they had just been standing.

Sailor Moon, set back down by Jupiter, began to sniffle in the debris of their battle.

"Are you hurt, Sailor Moon?" Jupiter asked.

"No, it's just . . . I can't handle fighting like this . . . it's so wrong!"

Venus nodded sagely. "You're right, Sailor Moon. In an ideal world, we would all be friends and—"

"No!" Sailor Moon interrupted, blinking back tears. "I mean using food as weapons! It's just . . . just . . . evil!"

"C'mooon, don't be a party pooper," U-Zone said, pulling another spit from her backpack. "Food fights are totes awesome!" But as she started to throw the second spit, she stumbled and her aim went wide, sending the spit crashing through a piece of semi-charred and sopping wet scenery.

"Oh my _god_ you guys," U-Zone laughed. "I'm like, _totally_ drunk right now . . ."

Mars snorted. "Yeah, we noticed . . ."

U-Zone looked at Mars, squinting as she tried to see just one of her. "Wow, your hair is like, really shiny," she said with a sigh.

"Duh, I know," Mars said, tossing her hair behind her shoulder.

"Time to sober up!" a masculine voice called, getting everyone's attention. They looked up to find Tuxedo Kamen balanced on the scaffolding high above the set.

"Tuxedo Kamen-sama!" Sailor Moon said, perking back up.

U-Zone looked upward, blinking blearily at the dark figure looming above her. "Prof-professor?" she asked, scratching her head.

Mars rolled her eyes. "A professor of stupidity, maybe . . ."

Tuxedo Kamen raised his cape with one gloved hand, then began his lecture.

"Moonlight shines upon pure hearts in endless time to guide those who treasure precious love. Pure hearts burn like stars upon the winds of eternity, calling passionate justice in their time of need."

"Umm, Professor?" U-Zone asked, pulling a notebook and pen from her backpack. "Is this going to be on the midterm?"

Tuxedo Kamen plowed on, heedless of U-Zone's question. "Love may dull with the neglect of yearning dreams, yet the shimmer of a pure heart crystal is blessed by the sweetest hopes of young maidens. Where the pure light of love cries out for justice, I shall be summoned."

U-Zone nodded as she sloppily scribbled her notes.

"Daimon, prepare yourself for the vengeful adoration of pure love's justice! I, Tuxedo Kamen, can never forgive those who cause treasured hearts the pain that, like the agony of first heartbreak, seeks to dishonor the affection of pure dreams. As Aristotle said—"

"Arghhhh _enough!_ " Mimete screeched from her spot of relative safety at the very back of the audience seating. "U-Zone, get him!"

"Ummmm it's like, _really_ rude to interrupt a professor," U-Zone said, shaking her unsteady head.

"He's not a professor!" Mimete yelled. "He's just a moron in a tuxedo! If you hadn't gotten wasted you'd realize that!"

"Ex- _cuse_ me?" U-Zone opened her mouth in shock. "How _dare_ you? You don't know me!"

"Of course I do! I . . ." Mimete trailed off as she scrunched her nose. "What . . . what's that smell?!"

High above them, Tuxedo Kamen, now sporting a nose plug, threw his cape aside and pulled out a behemoth of a plant. An enormous purple frill near the plant's base showcased a gigantic yellow pillar, which rose 10-feet into the air from its center. But the most impressive—and noticeable—attribute of the plant was its incredibly pungent stench.

"I'm out! Good luck, U-Zone!" Mimete said as she ran from the studio.

"Ugh, whad is dat?!" Mars shouted, plugging her nose. "Id smells like death!"

" _Amorphophallus titanum_ ," Tuxedo Kamen replied with a charismatic smile. "Also known as . . . the corpse flower."

They watched, transfixed as he tossed the plant from his perch. It arced gracefully through the air, tumbling like an acrobat as it fell, then landed with an almighty splat, covering U-Zone in chunks of corpse-scented plant as well as sending tiny particles flying throughout the room.

"Oh my _god_!" U-Zone said, wiping a piece of corpse flower from her face. "I'm _sooo_ leaving you a bad review on Rate My Professors!"

"Be my guest!" Tuxedo Kamen leapt to the floor, swishing his cape theatrically as he landed. "Now, Sailor Moon!"

"Right!" She nodded, then raised her Spiral Heart Moon Rod in the air. "Rainbow Moon Heart Ache!" she yelled as she twirled it and spun in place, casting the TV studio into darkness.

A rainbow flashed, followed by a huge pink heart, which crashed into U-Zone, who had pulled out a mirror and was frantically trying to fix her make-up.

"Love-lovely!" U-Zone cried as she stumbled backward and fell, and was replaced by a liquor-stained flyer for a Greek restaurant. A daimon pod fell rose from the flyer and shattered in a poof of smoke.

Venus ran to retrieve the Pure Heart Crystal left glimmering beside the flyer. "I've got it!" she said, gently picking it up and carrying it to the TV star Mimete had targeted. She held it over his chest, letting his body reabsorb the shining crystal.

"John Slaymos?" Venus asked, gently stroking his face as he awoke. "Are you alright?"

"I . . . I think so," he said, running a hand through his still perfectly styled hair. "But why does it smell like something died in here?"

Venus laughed nervously. "Oh, that. There was just . . . an incident. With a plant. That smells like dead bodies."

"I see," he said. "Hey, does anybody want any Greek yogurt?"

"No!" a chorus shouted back at him.

Sailor Moon began to cry softly. "No . . . no more Greek food . . ."

"It's OK, Sailor Moon," Jupiter said, pulling her into a comforting embrace. "He won't hurt you, I promise."

"Well, looks like my job here is done," Tuxedo Kamen said, tipping his top hat at the traumatized senshi.

"Oh, you're done here alright, you caped cru-sadist!" Mars said, stomping over to him. "Listen here, mother tuxer. In the last few weeks, I've had the worst case of allergies in my life, been covered in burs, had horrible poison ivy rashes, and now I'm covered in the juice of a plant that smells like a freaking carcass, all because of you!"

"Yes," Tuxedo Kamen said, nodding. "It is rather unfortunate."

"Unfortunate?!" Mars scoffed, shaking her head. "You're a _menace_. From now on, _ROSES ONLY._ Got it?!"

"Roses?" He smiled, swishing his cape as he leapt back onto the scaffolding. "I thought you'd never ask, Sailor Mars. And now, my job really is done. Farewell!"

It was probably for the best that, when Mars realized she had been played, Tuxedo Kamen was long gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I guess I'm not great with estimating how long it takes me to write ANYTHING AT ALL. (All of you are nodding, surely having figured this out a while ago. Sorry!) This last plant was the one that inspired the entire fic. My friends were talking about how badly they wanted to see a corpse flower and I though, wow, wouldn't it be funny if Tuxedo Kamen threw one in the middle of a battle? (In my defense, I was a little tipsy at the time . . .)
> 
> Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed the ride. Thank you so much to everyone who left comments, kudo'd, bookmarked, whatever. And to you lurkers, I see you too! ;) Thanks for taking the time to read it.
> 
> Thank you so much to Antigone2, my bae-ta, and to FloraOne who is more enthusiastic about this fic than everyone else put together (including me)! And now, on to the next project! :D

**Author's Note:**

> I will be updating this fic once a day for 7 days. At least, that's the plan for now! I already have 4 chapters written so it should be ok. ;)
> 
> There are many things in this fic that are canon-divergent, but I try to be consistent in my inconsistencies. For example, technically, Sailor Moon should transform into Super Sailor Moon before using Rainbow Moon Heart Ache, then detransform right after, but it's tedious to write and tedious to read so I cut it. You're welcome.
> 
> Thank you to my bae-ta Antigone2 is who helped me brainstorm this fic and puts up with me bugging her all the time.


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